The worst parent ever!

So today, seriously, I feel like the worst parent ever.

Kai woke up last night at 2am-5am. Fine. No big deal, bundle of energy.
Unfortunately, today, after he got home from ABA, he was just angry. Nothing was right. We went to play in the baby pool and the sprinklers were not high enough and not in the right place. So then he went to slide, the slide had a blade of grass on it. So he wouldn't slide (no, I would not take it off for him). Then he wanted his sister to play with him and she wanted to play in the sand (we have a sand and bean table). So he screamed and screamed. I told him that sometimes people don't want to always do what you want and you have to accept it and sometimes do what they want to do, if you really want their company. So she's playing with a toy(we have duplicates) and he takes it from her. So I take it back and tell him that he needs to ask if he can play with it or get another toy. He throws a fit and hits her.

Time out. Then he proceeds to hit and kick me. Which hitting in this household is unacceptable, especially adults.

Anyway, Kai is no longer allowed to play outside for the day because he hit his sister and myself. So, I tell him that he obviously needs to chill out and put him in his room. Where he just goes nuts...screaming, etc. Finally after about 15 minutes he opens the door and comes downstairs. He looks at me with the saddest little puppy dog face and says "sorry mommy...sorry mommy...hug kai...hug kai." So he has me hold him for like 15 minutes. I told him that when he's tired he just needs to tell me "sleepy". I know he doesn't have all the words yet and he can't express himself well at all. He tells me what happens in the moment. He still has a hard time answering questions, unless it has something to do with dogs. *that's his passion right now...dogs. When he's mad he growls. And when he's sad and cries, he grabs a kleenex, wipes his tears away, says "feels bettuh", and tells me that he's happy and makes a joke. His emotions are short and fierce...and then he moves on to the next emotion.

It's just so silly...the whole explosion. I hate it when he feels helpless and it's just that he has a hard time making up his mind and when everything is not perfect. I have to refuse though, the whole perfection thing. I can't just let him get his way...or make his little sister do everything he wants...just because. It's not fair to him, for me to cave. I know this. I'm hard on him, believe me. When he asks for help, I only help him two or three times. Then he has to do it for himself. You should see how proud he gets when he realizes that mommy knew he could do it all along, by himself. That's the one thing about him, he is tenacious and doesn't give up. He strives for perfection, almost to a fault. It's an admirable quality that I wish I had... The world is not going to bend for him as he gets older...he has to learn that. I'm not heartless though, like my husband thinks, when I don't let him get what he wants when he throws fits. I just know that I'd rather it be me, that shows him the way, then someone else, that's not going to have the compassion to hold him for that 15 minutes when he realizes that life is not always going to go away.
At the same time, I think I see my husband. His mother has always held his hand..too a fault. He's been sheltered and does have a hard time coping with the world. He has a hard time making decisions...about everything. If I don't make it for him, he'll call his mom *this could be something as easy as what to eat.. I don't want my son to be like that. I want him to be strong and independent and have the ability to make his own decisions.

I don't think this is too much to ask. I think people sometimes set the bar to low for their children...to a fault. I was talking to this lady once...about her autistic sons. I was telling her that I was going to put my son in dance and baseball and soccer, piano, etc. Anyway, so I tell her that I think he would enjoy things like that. She looked at me and had the audacity to say "well, i wouldn't expect too much". I was appalled. Maybe that's the problem. Autistic adults have done some pretty miraculous things, because their parents have set the bar higher, never gave up, and allowed them to try whatever they wanted and try and try and try again. I think that should go with any child...disability or not. How dare anyone tell another parent, not to expect anything, when they decide to try something new with their child.

Well, maybe I've gone off topic. So yes, today, I felt about 6 inches tall compared to my beautiful, resiliant child, that after all that happened, told me he was sorry and for me to hold him, just so he could feel loved for that 15 minutes. I'm just glad that I don't have the pride that my parents had...and told him that I was sorry that I was mad at him, when all he wanted was to lie down.
-adriane.